Personal Refection Essay

I have grown a lot this year in English class. I have adapted more efficient ways of writing, portraying meaning, and identifying authors purposes and meanings. This year in honors English was defiantly the most challenging year I’ve had in an honors English class in a while. At the beginning of the year I was up for the challenge of a rigorous English curriculum, but as the assignments started to pour out rapidly that determination turned into an overwhelming realization of reality, and that reality was the rapid discovery that life isn’t always as easy as we think it may be, there are times for play and times for hard, determined work.

At the beginning of this year I thought my biggest strength in the English / literature field was writing. Throughout this year the writing assignments were the most challenging for me partly because the writing assignments were in the form of explications and explications are something that I had grave trouble with toward the beginning of the year and still have trouble with, currently I feel more comfortable writing an explication because I understand the background emphasis and what an actual explication is.

During the middle of the year the transition form second quarter to third quarter was a hard time for me. This was crunch time for me along with other college bound seniors, with the submission of college applications. This was also the same time that I had hard core English explication essays. I would come home work on the essays along with my other homework, and the vigorous attempt of completing my college applications seemed impossible. Eventually it go to the point, where I felt extraordinarily overwhelmed with work and since English homework took me the longest I held off on completing it so I could get done with my college applications. I told myself that I would pass this assignment in late, just another day, and this assignment went to that assignment to the next assignment from the next and so on and on, until it got to the point where I was weeks late on important assignments. In the end it wasn’t worth it to push off these important assignments because I wound up having to make them up in a day in order to pass for the quarter, that’s over 4 essay in one week.

If I were to change anything about this year, if I had the opportunity to got back and do something over I would take one on one time with myself, and someone who know me well and making sure that I adapted adequate time management skills

Red Shift Essay

In the poem “Red Shift”, the poet Ted Berrigan suggests that the speaker of the poem is telling their story from the after life. Berrigan surmises his reader to this conclusion by the poems ending. “Alone and crowded , unhappy fate, never the less I slip softly into the air the world’s furious song flows through my costume”. The speaker is talking about their isolation from the human life if he/she were looking down from heaven. The speaker states alone and crowded Ted Berrigan created here in this line a visual adaptation of the speaker in spirit visible to no one, unhappy fate pertaining to unhappiness with being alone, and crowded, isolated. “I slip softly into the air the furious song flows through my costume” another visual adaptation by the poet, giving the reader imagery of the speaker floating back up to the heavens while “the worlds furious song floats through my costume, pertaining to the interaction of living beings engulfing the speakers spiritual body as it floats back to heaven.

In the fist stanza of the poem seems to be telling a tail of pain and mourning. “The streets look for Allen, Frank, or me, Allen is a movie, frank disappearing in the air, its heavy with the lightness heavy one me, I heave through it, them as the calvados is being sipped on the long island now twenty years almost ago”. Ted Berrigan creates a big visual picture for the reader in the excerpt. “ The streets look for Allen, Frank, or me” this line could translate into the fact that a gang or someone whom they owed a debt to was coming after them. From there the speaker goes on to say “Allen is a movie” possible meaning that Allen’s dead and all that’s left of him are the memories of pastimes spent together somewhat like a movie. “Frank disappearing in the air its heavy on me” The reader gets a visual picture here of franks soul lifting to the heavens and the speaker somewhat and the speaker who was close to Frank as he was to Allen also. The reader gets a sting of the pain the speaker is felling because the speaker talks of the calvados which is an alcoholic drink. The speaker is getting intoxicated to remove themselves from the pain of death.

In the next stanza the speaker states “ the calvados are being sipped on long island now twenty years almost ago” Not as significant, but still very important. The speaker changes subject after speaking of his friends Allen and Frank’s possible deaths. “Twenty years almost ago” big time change which is very significant to the poem it somewhat shows that the speaker went through a time of mourning and “ the calvados” an alcoholic drink is what the speaker used to soothe their pain.

The speaker changes his tone slightly in this exert. The speaker shows some interest in a women he reflects back on her…” Not that pretty girl nineteen who was going to have to go careening into middle age so, to burn and to burn more fiercely than ever she could imagine so to go. Not that painter who from very first meeting I would never and never will leave alone until we both vanish into the thin air we signed up for and so demanded to breathe and who will never leave me, not for sex, nor politics”. The speaker here speaks of the past woman with a clingy, stalker tone. “not that pretty girl nineteen, who was going to have to go careening into middle age so to burn and to burn more fiercly than ever she could imagine” when the speaker, speaks of this young girl who ages this anger resonates thought the words it’s almost as if the speaker id seeking revenge thought the words instead of the person. When the speaker speaks of the nineteen year old girl who ages he says to burn and burn more firercly. He’s wishing death upon this innocent women maybe in an attempt to take anger out on her because of the death of the speakers wo lost friends.

The speaker in the poem Red Shift by Ted Barrigan ahs taken us on a Journey of the speakers hardships, trials and tribulations. From death and Dying to love and heartache its very evident that the speaker is telling this story to someone of importance after the speakers death.

James Joyce Critical Essay

In the novel, A Portrait Of the Artists As A Young Man, by James Joyce, Stephen Deadlus the main protagonist goes on a journey of discovering who he truly is, what religion really means to him, and what impact females have on him throughout his life. During this expedition Stephen struggles to hold on to things, people and ideas that are important to his past experiences while seeming to continuously prevail at keeping him confused and frustrated throughout the novel.

Stephen has evolved as a character steadily throughout the course of the novel. Dealing with and identifying self discovery for Stephen is a very hard concept for him to capture. Which leads to him getting taken advantage of because he is seen as a weak person unsure of his own intellectual capacity, moral values, and ethics. For example in the novel Stephen gets bullied by the boys at the private all boys school he attends simply because they see him as a prime target for their mockery.

Tell us Deadlus, do you kiss your mother every night before you go to bed?’ Stephen answered: ‘ I do.’ Wells turned to the other fellows and said: ‘O, I say, here’s a fellow says he kisses his mother every night before he goes to bed.’ The other fellows stopped their game and turned around, laughing. Stephen blushed under their eyes and said; ‘I do not. Wells Said here’s a fellow who says he doesn’t kiss his mother before he goes to bed. They all laugh again. Stephen tried
to laugh with them he felt his whole body hot and confused in a moment. What was the right answer to the question? He had given two and still wells laughed. But wells must know the right answer for he was in third of grammar. He tried to think of wells mother but he did not dare raise his eyes to Well’s face. It was Wells who had shouldered him into the square ditch the day before because he would not swap his little snuffbox for Wells’ seasoned hacking chestnuts, the conqueror of forty. It was a mean thing to do; all the fellows said it was. And how cold and slimy the water had been! And a fellow had once seen a big rat jump plop into the scum.(pg 26-27)

In the beginning of this passage Stephen is being teased by his schoolmates not because he kisses or doesn’t kiss his mother but simply because he falls into Wells trap of deceitful mockery which is the meaning and purpose that Joyce is portraying in this excerpt. Stephen is very unaware of the situation surrounding him as far as Wells mockery toward him because Stephen is inexperienced at this point and time in the novel because this is the second incident that Stephen Let Wells get him into., Most would have learned from the first incident but Joyce makes it a point to emphasizes this in an attempt to make the reader question Stephens purpose and meaning, or maybe a deeper more emotional reason. Perhaps Joyce was trying to bring the theory across of Stephen’s inability to be defensive because he is accustomed to being kindhearted like a female which would make sense because he is very close to his mother while his father is not someone he’s been close to throughout his life.

Religion is a testy subject to Stephen throughout this novel. He struggles with the
ideals of what he truly thinks about religion due to the influences that he has had in his past and the present. Stephen currently goes to a catholic school called the university which is an all boys catholic school. Stephen has a stronger connection with his mother than he does with his father so he tends to lean toward the feminists ways as an unconscious instinct simply because he has a strong bond with his mother and she has rubbed off on him. Joyce exemplifies the fact that Stephen is somewhat forced to be in a situation away from home, which means away from his safety of the womb, his mother which leads to Stephen’s confusion with religion.

On the way home Uncle Charles would often pay a visit to the chapel and, as the font was above Stephen’s reach, the old man would dip his hand and the sprinkle the water briskly about Stephen’s clothes and open the floor of the porch. While he played he knelt on his red handkerchief and read above his breath from the thumb blackened prayer book wherein catchwords were printed t the foot at every page. He often wondered what his granduncle prayed for so seriously. Perhaps he prayed for the souls in purgatory of for the grace of a happy death or perhaps he prayed that God might send him back a part of the big fortune he had squandered in cork. (pg66)

Here we see Stephen’s beginning struggles with understanding religion. Stephen initially questions everything that his great uncle is doing. What he prayed for, why he prayed so seriously. With all these questions Stephen never asked his uncle about the
whole praying process. Joyce created meaning through this passage by showing that Stephens hesitations with opening up around a male which he is somewhat intimidated by. In this other passage the reader is able to see a different side of Stephen. An emotional side that really let the reader see the inner side of Stephen.

Women play a big Role in this novel to Stephen . They are his safety while at the same time the thing the he is deathly afraid of. In this passage the reader is able to see a different side of Stephen. An emotional side that really lets the reader get insight into how Stephen really feel on an emotional level with women.

Aubrey and Stephan had a common milkman and often drove out to the milk car to Carrickmines where the cows were at grass. While the men were milking the boys would take turns in riding the tractable mare round the field. But when Autumn came the cows were driven home from the grass: and the first sight of the filthy cow yard at scrapbook with its foul green puddles and clots of liquid dung and steaming bran troughs sickened Stephen’s heart. The cattle which had seemed so beautiful in the country on sunny days revolted him and he could not even look at the milk they yielded. (pg 68)

In this passage the cows and the cow yard represents something deeper than just an innocent childhood experience. The cows, the yard and the milk could be looked at as the cows being the mothers human mothers nursing their milk away in this case for the
benefit of society, not necessarily their babies in this instance. Stephen’s initial views of the cows and their living environment was a very happy feeling for him he enjoyed coming down to the yard to play in the grass and watch the cows be milked with no regrets or thoughts of disgust. But now as and older more experienced teenager Stephen gets disgusted because during the fall when it is time for the cows to be put away for the
winter in their barns. He get discussed because he is accustomed to the cows or the mothers grazing in a beautiful yard that he fell in love with as a young boy but now with everything looking winter eaten with dead grass, green puddles of who knows what, and puddles of decaying dung everything revolted Stephen by making him think that something as precious as cows/ mothers or women were living in that area and after there gone it looked like a mess it mad him heartsick to see women this way winter in their barns. He get discussed because he is accustomed to the cows or the mothers grazing in a beautiful yard that he fell in love with as a young boy but now with everything looking winter eaten with dead grass, green puddles of who knows what, and puddles of decaying dung everything revolted Stephen by making him think that something as precious as cows/ mothers or women were living in that area and after there gone it looked like a mess it mad him heartsick to see women this way.

Stephen does not look to fondly toward his father. Stephen is put into this situation because his father isn’t really there for him like his mother in the sympathetic caring, devoted way that mothers are toward their children. It is ironic though because here we see a bond between Stephen and his father which lets the reader see that Stephen
has had a male in his life.

Stephen walked on at his father’s side, listening to stories he had heard before, hearing again the names of the scattered and dead revelers who had been the companions of his fathers youth. And a faint sickness sighed in his heart. He recalled his own equivocal position in belvedere, a free boy, a leader afraid of his own authority, proud sensitive and suspicious, battling against the squalor of his life and against the riot of his mind. The letters cut in the strained wood of the desk stared upon him making his bodily weakness and fertile enthusiasms and making him loath himself for his own mad and filthy orgies. The spittle in his throat grew bitter and foul to swallow and the faint sickness claimed to his brain so that for a moment he closed his eyes and walked on in darkness. He could still hear his father’s voice. When you kick out of yourself, Stephen- as I daresay you will one of these days-remember, whatever you do, to mix with gentlemen. When I was a young fellow I tell you I enjoyed myself. I mixed with fine decent fellows. Everyone of us could do something. One fellow had a good voice, another fellow was a great actor, another fellow could sing a good comic song, another was a good oarsman or a good racket player, another could tell a good story and so on. We kept the ball rolling anyhow and enjoyed ourselves and saw a bit of life and we were none the worse of it either. But we were all gentleman, Stephen, at least I hope we were- and bloody good honest Irishman too. that’s the kind of fellow I want you to associate with. Fellows of the right kidney. I’m talking to you as a
friend, Stephen. I don’t believe in playing a stern father. I don’t believe a son should be afraid of his father. No I treat you as your grandfather treated me when I was a young chap. We were more like brothers than father and son. I’ll never forget the first day he caught me smoking. I was standing at the end of south terrace one day with some manens like myself and sure we thought we were grand fellows because we had pipes stuck in the corner of our mouths. Suddenly the Governor passed. He didn’t say a word or stop even. But the next day Sunday, we were out for a walk together and when we were coming home he took out his cigar case and said: ‘By the by Simon, I didn’t know u smoked’: or something like that. Of course I tried to carry it off as best I could. If you want a good smoke, he said, try one of these cigars. An American captain mad me a present of them last night in Queenstown. Stephen heard his fathers voice break into a laugh which was almost a sob. (pg90-91)

We learn a lot about the relationship between Stephen and his father. In reading this conversation between Stephen and his father the reader get the idea that everything is absolutely fine between Stephen and his father but in deeply analyzing this passage you can see there a sense that Stephen is holding himself back that he doesn’t enjoy having this time to spend with his dad in sharing this conversation but at the same time Stephen has his guard up in an attempt to avoid getting hurt. On the other hand Stephens father seem like a very intellectual man which I’m sure he is but there is a feeling with the father that he feels as if he has to prove himself to ultimately be accepted by his son an exampleof this being on pg 90 where the father talks directly to Stephen

But we were all gentleman, Stephen, at least I hope we were- and bloody good honest Irishman too. that’s the kind of fellow I want you to associate with. Fellows of the right kidney. I’m talking to you as a friend, Stephen. I don’t believe in playing a stern father. I don’t believe a son should be afraid of his father. No I treat you as your grandfather treated me when I was a young chap. We were more like brothers than father and son. (pg 90)

This is a really nice thought of Stephens father to express to Stephen but it shows the reader immediately that the bond between the two is no strong its also displays a sense of disparity when Stephens father states to him that he wants to treat his son as a best friend no as a strict parent, when considering that there is a fine line between a friend and a parent and a parent verses a strict parent.

In conclusion throughout this novel A Portrait of the Artists as A Young Man, by James Joyce, the main protagonists Stephen Deadlus does indeed go on a journey of discovery, discovery of who he is, what life really means to him, and how females impact him in his life. Throughout this paper those issues have been addressed and will remain to an extent an unsolved mystery only known through the eyes of the beholder James Joyce.

English Explication

In this passage “From a distance I could see the small dark mass of rock surrounded by a blinding halo of light and sea spray. I was thinking of the cool spray behind the rock I wanted to hear the murmur of the water again. To escape the sun and the strain of the women’s tears and to find shade and rest again at last. But I get closer, I saw that ray mounds man had come back”(pg 57) The author Albert camus shows the reader a different side of Meursalt a side that the reader hasn’t seen before, presenting a contrast between feminine and masculine emotions. Albert camus gives the reader an idea of the true person cast upon Mearsault.
“I was thinking of the cool spray behind the rock I wanted to hear the murmur of its water again, to escape the sun and its strain of the women’s tears, and to find shade and to rest again at last.”(pg57)

Here Meursault is all alone at the beach, Camus contrasts ideas throughout this passage when Meaursault is at the beach typically know as a peaceful calming place, but here Meausault has intentions to kill. The reader is given a sense of irony here because although Meursaults intentions aren’t good Camus portrays Meursault at a calm state of mind and the awareness of his surroundings “I was thinking of the cool spray behind the rock” (pg 57) The cool spray being water or a scene of purification and or baptism. “ I wanted to hear the murmurs of the water again” (pg 57) displaying a scene of longing for something great something beautiful. A murmur being a song. A murmur of the water being the waters song. So far what’s being presented here is the purification of Meausaults soul along with the longing of the waters song. “ To escape the sun and the Women’s tears and to find shade and rest again at last” (pg 57) The reader now gets the conclusion of Meursaults peace his commonplace “to escape the sun” meaning getting away from the heat or pain “ and the women’s tears” Showing Meursaults mother longing for him to make the right decision and spare a life. The struggle between good and bad, right and wrong.
In the passage “He was alone. He was lying on his back with his hands behind his head. His forehead in the shade of the rock, the rest of his body in the sun. his blue overalls seemed to be steaming in the heat. I was a little surprised as far as I was concerned, the whole thing was over and id gone there without even thinking about it” (pg 57-58) the author Albert Camus brings up the ideas of death and dying, unconscious decisions and un witty actions that are personified to a great extent. In this excerpt Meursault finds a body on the ground. “He was alone he was lying on his back with his hands beside his head” (pg 57) this passage gives the reader a slight idea that the “he” is already dead. “His forehead in the shade of the rock the rest of his body in the sun” Light and dark imagery being portrayed here the forehead in the shade of the rock the same rock that Meursault received purification from.

“I was thinking of the cool spray behind the rock” (pg 57) The blue overalls steaming in the heat and the rest of the body in the sun brings the idea of hell the fiery pit. I was a little surprised as far as I was concerned the whole thing was over and id gone there without even thinking about it” (pg 58)

Lastly this concluding passage pokes at the idea of light and dark one more time. Light being the subconscious notation that something is wrong. “ I was a little surprised” (pg 58) The dark being the cautious notation that something is wrong but having no control over the outcome. “The whole thing was over and I’d gone there without even thinking about it.” (pg 58) These two passages connect to one another because they both deal with death and dying and the human choice between right and wrong.

Blog post on THE STRANGER

In our student run discussion on the novel The Stranger written by Albert Camus, Andrew stated that he felt Meursault really didn’t show he had remorse for his mother at her funeral “Meursault doesn’t really show he care’s about the death of his mother all he wants to do is sleep. The incident doesn’t seem to phase him” (stated by Andrew.) I absolutely agree with this statement. Meurasult’s mother was an important person in his life as are all mothers, and to just brush it off as nothing is unusual. “The blood-red earth spilled over Maman’s casket, the white flesh of the roots mixed in with it, more people, voices, the village, waiting in front of a café, the incessant the nest of lights that was Algiers and I knew I was going to go to bed and sleep for twelve hours”. (pg 18) In this quote Meursault is giving the reader a visual picture of the sights and sounds around him while he is in the bus traveling through Algiers on his way to his mothers nursing home and while everything’s going on, all he can envision himself doing is going to sleep. Later on Meursault goes to his mother’s vigil and the caretaker explains to him that the casket was accidentally sealed and then proceeds to open it but is stopped by Meursault because he doesn’t want to see his mother’s body “We’ve put the cover on, but i’m supposed to unscrew the casket so you can see her, he was moving toward the casket when I stopped him. He said you don’t want to see her? I answer no he was quiet, and I was embarrassed because I felt I shouldn’t have said that”. (pg 6) the strange thing is that Meursault realizes that his request not to see his mothers body wasn’t taken so well as he states “I answered no he was quiet and I was embarrassed because I felt I shouldn’t have said that”. In a way its understandable that he didn’t want to see his mothers body because one would think that if you really loved someone it would be really uncomfortable to see them dead in a casket. But looking back on the way Meursault thinks and acts about his mothers death its hard to believe that, the reason he didn’t want to see his mother before the funeral was only because it would have been disturbing for him. It will always remain a mystery why Meursault acted the way he did when dealing with his mothers death only Albert Camus knows the real answer.

Remake of a classic poem

Here I am a winter time dull drums which frame
The air is undeniably chilling
On the way to summertime streetscape
I drink some African Poison which solidifies to have character
and to triumph.
The streets look for warmth or me. Wintertime dull drums keep it bitter and cold.
It’s a shame summer couldn’t come sooner its starting to chill on me.
I freeze through it, them as
the bitter snow falls sipping on my skin now
100 years almost ago, and the man kind
would never have had such a fate as global warming.
And telling who would have thought that id be here.
Nothing so incredible frigid.
Everything so undeniable cold sweeps through my body now paralyzing my blood flow, encrypting my heart sending chills through through my spine.
Up in the air the sky’s freezing in ultimate winter frustration now
more than ever before?
Now that the children automatically freeze in their hat and coat
eyes penetrating the sky for a glimpse of warmth and satisfaction
in ultimate relaxation. Beyond teen.
Who was going to have to go. Careening into emergency vehicles so.
To live and to live life to the fullest imagine
so to go. Not that cold who from very first meeting
I would never and never imagine such pain,
numbness and heartache from the amputation
into the nerve and bone of old pinky toe and so demanded
to stay and who will never leave me. Not for sex. Nor money,
nor even for an artificial limb which is
Only our human lot and means nothing. No not you.
There’s a song. “Get me bodied” But no I wont do that.
I am cold. When will I die? I will never die. I will live
To be 145 and I will never go away and you will never escape from me
who am always and only a memory. Despite this body spirit
Who lives only to chill.
I am only 25 years old and I am dead. And I didn’t mean to kill you to.
I came into your life to keep you warm, loved, and protected but
Now I’ve suffered and been killed. Its self-righteous fate. Nevertheless
I am gone you are still here so make me proud.
The world song lives within you forever its your turn to carry that burden onto others now Farwell.

Frances

Frances

She is my LOVE
My life, breath, and way of being.
When I am with her, there is no
place better.
When she was there by my side and me by hers
that was our way of freeing.
Freeing the mind body and soul, enabling us to
be seeing
Seeing the insightful future and what it
has in store.

To the family she is a beacon
A beacon of light and inspiration
An inspiration to all, her offerings filled
with love.
Her actions filled with might
The mighty power of sight
The insight to lead a new generation.

She is generous beyond reason.
Holidays were beautiful with her by their side.
The luxurious smell of freshly baked goods made the taste
buds bounce with glee.
Presents from her on Christmas eve sent a tide.
A tide of relaxation and comfort to our limbs as we
would hide.
Hide beneath the covers and sleep the night away until
Christmas morn.

So many years filled with joy
Now only a few filled with sorrow.
The sorrow of her decaying life.
The decaying life that pulls at our heart strings forcing
us to borrow.
To borrow another tomorrow
Another tomorrow so she will be with us for an eternity.
The family hides
Hides from the bitter truth of her rapid decay.
The decay that will leave scars for years to come
The years that have meant so much lay
Lay in the hand of God, who will not betray
The betrayal of our sweet, sweet Grandmother’s life.

Frances, is a force to be reckoned with and will be for
years to come.
There was nothing she wouldn’t be willing to do.
Her death sad, her life great and not yet finished.
The greatness that lives inside all of us gives meaning to.
To new life with the memory of our dear Frances, you
You grandma are my life, my love, breath and way of being when
I am with you there is no place better.
She is my mother, grandmother my everything and more I love her
beyond what words can endure. She is not entirely gone but quickly
fading away. So grandma before you leave me behind just know that
I LOVE YOU.